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I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday mornng with my family doctor. Although I knew on some level that I was going there to establish some practical ways to help deal with the fatigue I had been feeling, I secretly had some very different ideas of what I had hoped would transpire. In my mind, I wanted my doctor to 'prescribe' the fatigue away...and I don't necessarily mean by drugs or by additional sick leave from work. I simply wanted her to restore my body back to normal, so that I physically felt like I had at 27. ( Not so much to ask for, right?) I realized that perhaps I had an unrealistic idea of what the turnout of the appointment should have been after having mentioned to Cláudia yesterday mornng that I had felt that the doctor had not sufficiently answered my questions. Of course that revelation prompted me to go over the actual discussion that my doctor, Cláudia, and I had in my head. After only a short reflection on the matter, I realized that my questions had indeed been answered. In fact , every one of them had. I started to realize that what had left me dissatisfied was the fact that she had not simply waved her magc stethoscope to immediately cure my fatigue and eliminate all the aches and pains from my body. The fact that she (and Cláudia for that matter) both emphasized that it would take some time before I would feel 100% again and that it would take living in parallel universe to feel physically like a 27 year old again meant nothing. Nor did the fact that I sat there and 'agreed' with them. When it came down to it, I had my own agenda based on the internal voice that lives inside my head.
It had meant nothing because I had not really taken it in. I now realize that I had been too busy listening more to the inner dialogue that was happening in my own head than to the actual conversation that was taking place in the room. I was focusing more on my own unrealstic expectations than on realstic solutions. The following is kind of a recap of what really happened at the doctor's office. It also includes what was going on in my mind at the time, albeit somewhat exaggerated for dramatic purposes. In other words, to share a bit of the inner dialogue that had initially clouded my perception as to what actually took place.
It had meant nothing because I had not really taken it in. I now realize that I had been too busy listening more to the inner dialogue that was happening in my own head than to the actual conversation that was taking place in the room. I was focusing more on my own unrealstic expectations than on realstic solutions. The following is kind of a recap of what really happened at the doctor's office. It also includes what was going on in my mind at the time, albeit somewhat exaggerated for dramatic purposes. In other words, to share a bit of the inner dialogue that had initially clouded my perception as to what actually took place.
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Me: I am feeling a lot of fatigue. I don't know if it is because of the bout with cancer or that I am peri-menopausal or what.
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Doctor (smiling pleasantly):' Well...your body has been through a lot. You had surgery and iodine radiation treatment. That is a lot for any person. You need to go slowly. '
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Me: (eye roll) 'Uh huh.'
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Doctor (sensing my skepticism,attempts to point out the logic of taking things slowly): 'Why would you be different than anyone else?'
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Cláudia (laughing):' Because she thinks she is super woman!'
(They laugh. I laugh too...just to fit in. My INNER VOICE enters the conversation)
The real conversation continues.
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Doctor: 'When you have a cancer.....'
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ME (interrupting the good doctor): I'm cancer-free now.
(My INNER VOICE enters the conversation once again.)
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Doctor (getting a bit frustrated perhaps) 'Yes....BUT... (continues talking)
(Back to my INNER VOICE)
I could go on! I think you can get the idea. Suffice to say, I can see now that I often tune out (or at least tune partally out) what I don't want to hear. My poor doctor. She is really wonderful. I can see now that I am not the patient for every doctor. Of course, not every doctor is the doctor for me. Thankfully I feel we have a good doctor/patient relationship overall. And then there is Cláudia - my poor wife. Sometimes I wonder how she puts up with me 24/7. Signing off....my super friends are calling! Coming Cláudia!