I thought I would wake up joyful at the thought of coming out of ‘isolation’ tomorrow morning and returning full-throttle to work. I have been able to pick up some new teaching assignments so my schedule will heavier, although certainly not as heavy as it had been before receiving my diagnosis last May. I am done with that nonsense! Suffice to say, I thought I would wake up in a joyful spirit, especially as I had gone to bed joyfully after a day full of special moments.
Instead, I woke up with sadness in my heart. Or maybe it is frustration… or, most likely, both. It came from knowing that tomorrow I will really have to ‘pick it up’ a bit and that my body does not seem entirely ready for it. I am not even sure if my mind is either actually. My body continues to feel weak and I continue to have these serious bouts of fatigue. Pulling myself together in the morning takes FOREVER. My body continues to try to sleep in well after my mind is up and running. I have allowed my body to take the time it has needed this whole week. I have eased my aching body out of bed, to yoga positions and stretching, to the table for breakfast, etc. Sometimes breakfast comes before yoga and stretching and then it even takes me longer as I want to allow for digestion (I am actually writing this as my body works to digest breakfast). I am afraid of the abruptness that tomorrow will bring. I don’t mind setting my alarm early enough to give myself the extra time but my sleep patterns have been unpredictable at best. I am also highly aware of how I need to get a full night’s sleep.
I have been able to get plenty of exercise this past week which has done wonders for both my mind and body. I ran seven kilometers yesterday and then enjoyed a nice walk in the late afternoon as well. My problem is that, if I exercise, I have limited energy for other things. It has been okay to push myself this week when I have nowhere else to be or nothing pressing to do. Everything else I have needed to do this week has predominately been done looking at a computer screen or a Kindle screen from either the table by the bed or propped up in the bed itself. The crazy thing is I feel like I have pushed my body. I don’t think my body can handle my upcoming work schedule coupled with the moderate to heavy exercise. That makes me sad because I will have to take my exercise down a notch or two. I have to work after all. However, I know that I really need to lose weight as my body will benefit greatly from it. I know that a lot of the aches and pains would then disappear. I am certain of it.
(A break)
Just returned from a beautiful walk with Claudia. We walked a little over 4.5 kilometers through the cliffs and dunes by our house. I couldn’t stay sad walking through such natural beauty where everything seems perfect. In fact, where everything is perfect and where I am perfect in it. It is where and when I feel most balanced…walking, biking or running in nature. Each one of these things brings out something different, something vital in me. When I walk, I move back and forth from a place of observation to a centering on my pace or my movements themselves. Biking has a similar effect but I feel an extra, invigorating strain on my body as the physical demand is higher.
Biking brings out my voice. I can’t help myself; I always start singing when I am on my bike. I am just sorry that not everyone can hear me. LOL.
Running takes more discipline. I focus much more internally – just on the movement itself. Moving forward, moving forward, moving forward…the focus on the pace, which is always slow. It’s the way I like it. Slow and steady. Every bit of my essence feels alive after a run. That is why I like to run despite that the activity itself also has a harsh impact on my body.
My body is undoubtedly still adjusting to the thyroid replacement hormone and I have to give it time. Also, I’m perimenopausal. To top it all off, I can’t forget what I am having difficulty doing now as opposed to when I was in my thirties and early forties (or even last year for that matter), may very well be simply due to the natural aging process. I guess I just need some time to try to sort out what is what. It will be difficult to find my balance in the coming days and months but I know I will.
Instead, I woke up with sadness in my heart. Or maybe it is frustration… or, most likely, both. It came from knowing that tomorrow I will really have to ‘pick it up’ a bit and that my body does not seem entirely ready for it. I am not even sure if my mind is either actually. My body continues to feel weak and I continue to have these serious bouts of fatigue. Pulling myself together in the morning takes FOREVER. My body continues to try to sleep in well after my mind is up and running. I have allowed my body to take the time it has needed this whole week. I have eased my aching body out of bed, to yoga positions and stretching, to the table for breakfast, etc. Sometimes breakfast comes before yoga and stretching and then it even takes me longer as I want to allow for digestion (I am actually writing this as my body works to digest breakfast). I am afraid of the abruptness that tomorrow will bring. I don’t mind setting my alarm early enough to give myself the extra time but my sleep patterns have been unpredictable at best. I am also highly aware of how I need to get a full night’s sleep.
I have been able to get plenty of exercise this past week which has done wonders for both my mind and body. I ran seven kilometers yesterday and then enjoyed a nice walk in the late afternoon as well. My problem is that, if I exercise, I have limited energy for other things. It has been okay to push myself this week when I have nowhere else to be or nothing pressing to do. Everything else I have needed to do this week has predominately been done looking at a computer screen or a Kindle screen from either the table by the bed or propped up in the bed itself. The crazy thing is I feel like I have pushed my body. I don’t think my body can handle my upcoming work schedule coupled with the moderate to heavy exercise. That makes me sad because I will have to take my exercise down a notch or two. I have to work after all. However, I know that I really need to lose weight as my body will benefit greatly from it. I know that a lot of the aches and pains would then disappear. I am certain of it.
(A break)
Just returned from a beautiful walk with Claudia. We walked a little over 4.5 kilometers through the cliffs and dunes by our house. I couldn’t stay sad walking through such natural beauty where everything seems perfect. In fact, where everything is perfect and where I am perfect in it. It is where and when I feel most balanced…walking, biking or running in nature. Each one of these things brings out something different, something vital in me. When I walk, I move back and forth from a place of observation to a centering on my pace or my movements themselves. Biking has a similar effect but I feel an extra, invigorating strain on my body as the physical demand is higher.
Biking brings out my voice. I can’t help myself; I always start singing when I am on my bike. I am just sorry that not everyone can hear me. LOL.
Running takes more discipline. I focus much more internally – just on the movement itself. Moving forward, moving forward, moving forward…the focus on the pace, which is always slow. It’s the way I like it. Slow and steady. Every bit of my essence feels alive after a run. That is why I like to run despite that the activity itself also has a harsh impact on my body.
My body is undoubtedly still adjusting to the thyroid replacement hormone and I have to give it time. Also, I’m perimenopausal. To top it all off, I can’t forget what I am having difficulty doing now as opposed to when I was in my thirties and early forties (or even last year for that matter), may very well be simply due to the natural aging process. I guess I just need some time to try to sort out what is what. It will be difficult to find my balance in the coming days and months but I know I will.