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image by BenMRHall Limbo Flower
My feelings shift constantly from peaceful acceptance of where I am right now to annoyance at my inability to focus on much of anything at all. I feel in a constant state of limbo, a constant state of uncertainty that I just can't shake.I am hoping that I will regain focus on tasks (both required and otherwise) once the surgery is over. The thing is I have more time to get some things done and yet my mind constantly drifts but not in a productive way. It is almost like my brain just turns off. It is not like I am thinking constantly about the upcoming surgery or the fact that soon enough I will be literally consuming a highly toxic level of radioactive iodine just to make sure the cancer is squelched completely. (FYI...I consider any level to be highly toxic.) My overall anxiety level seems to be okay. I've been feeling more relaxed about having the surgery and the follow-up treatment. Except for my occasional (or maybe not-so-occasional ) mood swings which sometimes manifest themselves in bouts of sudden rage and anxiety. However, I chalk that up to whacky hormone levels. These attacks dissipitate as suddenly as they cumulate. What is sometimes frustrating and is a direct resut of this limbo I seem to be living in, is that I just can't seem to get very much done these days.
And there is so much I could do! I could study math for that damn exam certification exam that I still have left to take. I could work consistently with Evan on developing her reading skills in English...something that is very important if we move to NYC as planned. I could bike ride more. I could play with Evan more. I could play with Claudia more. I could get the evaluations done that were due over two weeks ago for groups of students that I finished working with at the end of April! Thank goodness the client company is easy going.
The reality is though, those evaluations would have been completed if I was feeling the pressure more. When push comes to shove, I produce. I am more than willing to plan my ongoing lessos and teach as much as possible at the moment. When I am teaching I feel good and useful. I don't want to give bullshit classes. If the students aren't getting anything from it, neither am I. However, the lessons I am giving right now only take minimum panning as I know the content like the back of my hand. Of course I probably could not pick the back of my hand from a group of ten or more hands but that is another story. Never have been very detailed oriented!
These days I feel fine that I am not 'doing' too much. I am resting my body and mind. It is true that my energy is quite limited now. When I exercise or teach more than a few hours, I really do require a nap or just time to lie down, even if I don't sleep. Part of these conflicting feelings about what and how much I am doing or accompishing surely comes from the fact that for many years I had been overworking and now I am working a much lighter schedule. This reduced schedule feels foreign to me.
Once I start doing something, I usually feel good - at least for a while. I love the feeling when I bike ride. My mind feels so calm and my thoughts seems to float smoothly within my mind's natural rhythm. Even feeling the numbness that I always get in my hands is okay. Feeling my muscles in my legs working hard and sometimes pushing through pain also feels great. Feeling the wind against my skin and the occasional beads of sweat moving down my body is all part of the magic. Makes me feel alive.
I guess the lesson to myself is to accept wherever I am right now and to have patience with myself. Allowing my brain to turn off sometimes or accepting that it is difficult to focus is okay. It is all part of being alive. The lesson is that there is no lesson. I look out the window and watch kids playing in a playground as I sit in Clara's living room and I feel alive. And that is enough at this moment.